Ups and downs.

It’s funny how things can go from great to heartbreaking in just a day. 

One day after posting my last post, we were both able to get a good nights sleep and I woke up feeling amazing. I was playful and making him laugh and the whole day was awesome. He had to work a double and fit in a therapy session but even after therapy he seemd to be pretty happy and so was I. The next morning I wake up and suggest breakfast (he had to work at 11am so it would have been a bit of a rush) which he seemed game for… then I mention florida and our plans to save money and when we should leave etc… thats when the switch flipped. Now he is antsy and saying things like “you always do this…”, “you always try to tell me what to do…”, (“always” insults are his go to) I said as nice and as calm as possible that I absolutely do not always nor was at the present moment trying to contol him in any way shape or form… I simply was talking about our plans for florida and our plans to save money (to me these are adult things). His response immediately broke my spirit and my heart. He said, with a mean look on his face, “if you push and push and try to force me to make decisions and tell me what to do I’ll make a decision for myself right now…” insinuating him leaving me. I told him if thats what he wanted he could make the decision right now and he responded by saying “I’m currently working on that”. 

My heart torn in pieces with the memory of just the day before laughing and being playful. It was a very abrupt reminder that he still teeters everyday on his feelings about be married to me. 

We went for a walk to get coffee like we planned…me holding back tears. On the walk I apologized  (like I do… always) and then told him that my wanting to talk about these things came from a place of excitment for what opportunities were awaiting him. I told him how much I love him and how much I believe in him and his dream. 

He looked at me with a look that said to me that hearing that hurt him because he doesn’t hold the same passion and love for me (today at least).

 He told me a story once of a woman he worked with who was bragging about how the married man she was having an affair with received a call from his wife while she was with him. His wife was crying and begging for her husband to come back to her, saying she would do whatever it took to make it work… in the background this woman was laughing at how pathetic she thought his wife was. 

As she told this story he said she was still laughing and bragging about it as if it were actually funny. 

I feel like that wife. He is the husband and the woman is the PTSD. I could beg and cry all I want but it’s laughing at me and how pathetic I look trying to get someone who is already gone. 

But I will NOT give up. I can’t give up… we need eachother… all of us. I will keep fighting for my family and for my husband. 

Here is a picture from one of our first adventures together… things were not perfect but that is what the other day took me back to. A playful and fun us.